Thursday, 15 March 2018

How To Go On Holiday Like A Cunt

Holidays. We all love them. A chance to relax after a hard time at work or maybe a break from school. But if you aspire to be an utter cunt when you take a vacation, then here’s some handy tips.

1. Treat Suitcases Like Time Capsules

The basis of any cunt’s behaviour on holiday should be to become a virtual stress bunny in the countdown to the holiday starting. This can include such cuntishness as packing suitcases for both yourself and other family members up to 48 hours prior, and then refusing to let them get anything out/ put anything in, because “I’ve already zipped them up now”. You will politely refuse a 1st request to “go and get something” while letting your cunt factor shine like factor 15 Ambre Solaire if asked a second time, where you will go utterly mental and scream at whichever wretch dared ask. You will treat the holiday baggage like unexploded bombs that have to be left once you have closed them, refusing to permit anyone else to do more than look at them. You will tell anyone who asks that it is so you know where everything is and “I don’t want them messing anything up now I know where everything is” but in reality it’s merely to polish your cunt shoes to a mirror shine.

2. Choose What Everyone Else Wears To Travel In

Borderline acceptable with young children, utterly inexcusable if the people you are travelling with are over about the age of 13. To be a grade A cunt you should choose “something nice” for both your offspring (if you have any) and your husband or wife/ partner. If anyone protests you should tut and say that you know best and if further objections are raised then you should, through gritted teeth, talk about how you don’t want “them” to think of you all as a horrid, common family who are scruffy and unkempt. 

3. Have At Least 5 Alarms On The Big Day

When it comes to launch day, you need to be up, bright and early, especially if you have a taxi picking you up at half past cunt in the morning. To really ramp up the cunty wonderfulness of what you are doing, you should strap at least 2 digital watches to your bedframe with alarms set to go off within 2 minutes of each other. Further you should have a bog standard alarm clock on the bedside table AND your smart phone’s alarm ready set to wake you. To really ice the cunt cake you absolutely MUST book an early morning alarm call (and bonus cunt points for telling your family that you will have to pay for it). Once the first alarm goes off you will shoot out of bed like a cunt out of an aqueduct and expect your bleary eyed family to follow your stressed, 150pm heart rate behaviour. Anyone who isn’t out of bed within a minute of being woken by you should be told “Well we’ll just leave you here then!”

4. Piss All Over The Airline Safety Instructions

Let’s face it, any cunt knows that they know best. Forget what that camp steward or trolley dolly might be saying and give your fellow travellers really inappropriate, cunty and possibly dangerous advice to allow you to have a merry time cunting all over basic health and safety rules. This works best if you have young kids travelling with you as you can offer them some real sage advice. I once saw the unforgettable brilliance of a cunt saying to her 11 year old son “If anything happens you go straight over the top of those seats!” just after the crew had finished giving the safety announcement. 

5. Treat The Window Seat Like It’s a View Up God’s Arsehole

If you are fortunate to get your partner plus one or more of your offspring in the same row, you should always demand that whoever is in the window seat “share” it with the others. Even though this is a grey area with regard to airline safety, and there is no requirement for it to happen, you will divide time spent peering at masses of white cloud like it’s a view of the sermon on the mount. To really ramp up the cunt volume to 11 you should insist that everyone has a “turn” even those who couldn’t care less about where they're sitting.

6. Walk Into Other People’s Hotel Rooms Without Knocking

As you are with your family, more than likely any children over the age of about 11 will be in their own room. You will of course keep the key on you at all time to be a super cunt and will, at any given moment simply walk into their room without prior warning. Cunts never knock before entering so you must always barge in whenever you feel like it. This will be an extension of your cuntiness from back home where your children aren’t allowed locks on their bedroom doors and you just walk on them at any given moment, because you are a cunt.

7. Order Food For Everyone Else

Going out for dinner you should order for everyone and if anyone objects you should respond with the cunty reply “But you don’t like x anyway!” To be a stupendous, spectacular, enormous cunt you should restrict what other people can or can’t eat based on your own situation. So if you are, for example, lactose intolerant then no one you are dining with will be allowed to have anything dairy off the menu. I once saw a Field Marshal of cunts tell her husband “you don’t want any wine” because she was on antibiotics and couldn’t drink any herself. If your children are under 12 and you are tight fisted then indulge your inner cunt by insisting they eat off the cheaper children’s menu, even if they object. This is especially cunty if one or more of them has reached puberty early. 

8. Start Crying For Absolutely No Fucking Reason

While on a nice night out, maybe having dinner or sipping drinks as you gaze over the sea, watching the moonlight dancing on the waves, it is very cunty to suddenly devolve into a big pile of melancholic sulk for absolutely no fucking reason. This is extra cunty if you do it at a moment where it’s clear that everyone else is really enjoying themselves. I once saw an awesome cunt get asked twice what she thought about the subject under discussion, only for her to reply each time with a mute shrug. Then she donned her supercunt costume and started to cry theatrically and got up to leave. When asked what was wrong she replied “I thought I’d let you three just carry on with your conversation!” when it was pointed out that attempts had been made in front of witnesses to get her to join in the discussion she repeated the line, was corrected once again and then stormed off back to the hotel. What a superlative cunt!

9. Take Offence At Other People’s Behaviour

Let’s face it, unless you are in the Ritz or the Savoy you are running the gauntlet of meeting people you are compatible with while on a package holiday. While you may enjoy a spot of sunbathing or a nice walk every day, some people like to be loud or even get drunk. You should take offence at anything and everything anyone else does while enjoying their own holiday and act like they did it on purpose just to spite you. To be a godforsaken cunt you should actively seek out things to be offended by. Very few can say they were there the day a gold star cunt said the following line from the bible of cunts: “Last night there were some drunken youths walking past our room and they were deliberately belching!”

10. Blame Your Fellow Travellers If You Don’t Like The Holiday

The final and best advice for a cunt on holiday. If you dislike where you’ve ended up for your annual vacation, you should blame whoever you went there with. This is a great one if it was you who actually chose and booked the trip. If people point out this rather inconvenient truth to you, you should reply “I only booked it because I thought you’d like it. Maybe next year I’ll put myself first for once”. You should also blame them for their attitude if you have invoked point 8 at any time you were on your holibobs. E.g. If anybody gets drunk, belches loudly or looks depressed in any way.

So there you have it. 10 tips on how to be a bona fide, colossal, King or Queen of cunts while on holiday.

Monday, 12 March 2018

How to Watch TV Like A Cunt

We all love the telly. From the black and white jobs of the 1960s, through to Netflix via the web in the 2010s, nothing beats a good old telly programme to help unwind after a long day. But if you aspire to be a total cunt while watching the box, then here’s a few tips to help you.

1. Blocking the View.

This is the most basic technique and the easiest to perform, yet also the most versatile. If other people are watching the telly, then to be a colossal cunt, you should stand in the way. To distinguish yourself as a cunt rather than just an “arsehole” you should act as if the view being blocked by your body was either a total accident, or better still, was something you were entitled to do and anyone objecting is being unreasonable AND is a bastard. For a bonus you could try and imply that the world might have ended had you not stood in that exact location at that exact time. You will, of course, have a multitude of excuses should you be called out on your cunty behaviour such as: the coffee cups on the table needed picking up; that pile of magazines just HAD to be rearranged at that precise moment; or you have every right to stand wherever you want in your own house.

2. Changing the Channels
This technically belongs in the skill set of an experienced cunt and is not for the faint hearted. There may possibly be verbal or even physical consequences so be warned. To really ramp up the cunt volume you should flip over the channel without so much as sideways glance at anyone else who’s watching the telly. For bonus cunt points you should combine it with point 1 and stand in the way in order to obstruct their view AND flick over using the buttons on the set, rather than using the remote. Take your time to not simply hop one station, but instead go through about 15 or 16 before settling on something. Under no circumstances should you go back to the channel they were watching, even if it’s something you want to watch. To be a super cunt you can really put the icing on the cake by killing anything they are recording at the same time (this worked better in the days of VCRs) in order to record something you want to see later on. If the other person has the unspeakable temerity to say “I’m recording something!” you should look at your cat/ dog and say “We don’t care, do we Tiddles/ Rex”. Under no circumstances should you ever look at the person whose viewing pleasure you are cunting all over.

3. Spoilers.
Ah yes! That old chestnut of an uber cunt. 
If the telly show or film is something you’ve seen before then you should announce crucial plot points just before they happen. This works best with films like The Sixth Sense, The Empire Strikes Back or Citizen Kane or TV shows such as The Walking Dead, Breaking Bad or Game of Thrones. If the person you are talking to objects then you should tut loudly and say something cunty like “God! I was only trying to have a conversation with you!” To be an all singing, all dancing cunt you should conversely go utterly ballistic if anyone spoils anything you are watching, even if what they say had no validity to the plot (e.g. “I love his Lamborghini in this film”. “We haven’t seen his car yet….YOU SELFISH BASTARD!!!”)

4. Don’t Watch It But Make Sure No One Else Can Enjoy Watching It
For someone fluent in the complex minutiae of cuntishness, this one is a delicate yet effective method of ruining anyone else’s attempts to watch a programme you have no desire to see while you are in the same room. You may be a teacher marking some books, someone trying to read or maybe just checking Facebook on your phone but if other people decide to watch the telly when you are not part of the shared experience you should become a virtual sand castle kicker in your attempts to piss all over any and all enjoyment they might derive from whatever they are watching. Tutting, making comments about how you “don’t like it” and muttering loudly about how it’s inappropriate will elevate you to the highest floors of Cunt Inc. This works best with porn e.g. “I can’t believe you like watching women being degraded”…(although be careful that it’s not gay porn, so at least glance up to verify what they are watching), horror films, e.g. “It’s just violence for violence sake!” and comedy e.g. “I thought you were clever, this is a bit infantile isn’t it?” For best effect pretend to be completely engrossed in whatever you are doing while simultaneously making your distaste unambiguously clear

5. Watch It And Then Loudly Criticise Whatever It Is
This is where you have been forestalled in your efforts to plant a flag on the highest peak of Mount Cunt by being told “Why don’t you just leave the room?!” while attempting point 4. What you should do in this instance is watch the telly show or film just long enough to be able to rip it to shreds. This is extremely cunty as it means you can object to being shocked as you really DID want to watch whatever it is but are now so offended that you just have to tell everyone that fact. This will work with black humour, e.g. anything comedic where someone is killed violently you should perch on the edge of your seat and say loudly ‘THAT’S NOT FUNNY!!!" and then repeatedly shriek “NO IT ISN’T!!!” in a high pitch, getting louder and louder, any time anyone has the cheek to reply “yes it is”. It also works if you have children that are in their teens as you can criticise what they are watching and if they answer you back you can go for Lowest Common Denominator and say something like “You watching this kind of thing while your school work is suffering!” I once caught a rare glimpse of a genius cunt saying “I don’t think that rape scene was necessary” while watching High Plains Drifter and then giving a 10 minute lecture on the horrors of rape to the naive wretch also watching it who replied “It’s not a rape it’s rough sex”. Which leads us into…

6. Make Pointless and Contrived Observations
For a mark 3 cunt this is a must. Anything anyone is watching must be pulled apart like the legs off a spider. To utterly ruin the viewing pleasure of someone else you should go off on cunty tangents without warning. This works best at crucial point in the movie. I have been privileged to witness a Super Cunt weaving their magic in this area on several occasions. They are listed below for you to share in the awesome cuntyness.
A). Robocop- When Bob Morton got shot in the legs by Clarence. A cunt said loudly “At least he knows what’s happening to him. Not like that 8 week old baby in the newspaper that got buggered by that pervert. It didn’t know what was happening to it. Poor little sod”.
B). Superman II- Bit where General Zod and his cronies kill the astronauts. From a Wizard of Cuntwarts. “I felt sorry for those poor men, they went to the moon never knowing they were going to die such horrible deaths”.
C). The Exterminator- Bit where the vigilante steals a motorbike from a guy helping an old lady who’s just been mugged…in order to chase and kill the muggers. Hot off the cunt press. “Don’t you think it would have been better if he’d been nice to that man and maybe helped that old lady?”

7. Compare Whatever’s On The TV To Your Own Life.
As a gold plated cunt you don’t like not being the centre of attention. In fact you despise it. So to get attention back from the telly and back on to you, you should form the most ridiculous and cunty connections to whatever you are watching. This can be a showing of Jane Eyre (“She’s being sent to a school for poor children by her aunt, that’s like when I had to go to work to a job I hated.”), any drama or sitcom involving your own profession (“That’s how they talk to me at work you know, last week in fact…”) or most cringe-inducingly anything sexual especially if you are in the room with younger people. Bonus points if they are your own children (e.g. “Humph! He didn’t last very long. So many young girls get that experience and they don’t know until it’s too late”).

8. Make Innapropriate Observations About Anything Sexual.
A tactic you can combine with number 7. Let’s face it. Watching people fucking or even snogging on telly can be a bit embarrassing unless it’s a room full of chicks watching 50 Shades or some bros with a stack of beer, viewing porn. To really jack up the cunt power you should make unwelcome and utterly cringeworthy remarks about anything other than a peck on the cheek that you witness on TV. While this is only borderline cunty if you are in a room of your peers, it is so cunty that it has an “S” on its chest and flies wearing a cape if you have children and make the observations in front of them. To become Lord of All Cunts try and wait until your kids are in puberty and therefore twice as likely to be utterly humiliated when you invoke this trope. Once again, I am honoured to have witnessed a complete and utter cunt using this tactic on several occasions in front of her own kids. They include:
A). The Terminator- The scene where Kyle confesses his love for Sarah Connor and they begin snogging passionately up against the fridge. Room full of teenagers, the mother of one of them loudly went “PHWOOOAARRR!!!”
B). Ryan’s Daughter- Disappointing wedding night (i.e. shagged her and rolled off). Uber cunt watching it tutted and said loudly “Someone around here I could tell you about!”
C). Crocodile Dundee- Bit where Mick thinks his boss’s rather butch lady boss is really a man. Expert cunt giggled then said loudly “Is that the one that he fingers?” (N.B. this also counts as a point 4).

9. Ask Stupid, Irrelevant Questions
Rather basic and can stray back into mere “naivety” (i.e. you may have walked in late and need to get a brief recap of events and/ or characters to enable you to enjoy what everyone else is already watching). So…to get that gold star of a brilliant cunt you should intermittently ask ridiculous questions about the plot, characters or dialogue or all three at once. You should also have a tantrum if anyone either refuses to answer you after the 15th time you interrupt their programme, or if they have the audacity to tell you to be quiet (N.B. you can actually go legitimately and cuntily ballistic if they substitute “be quiet” for “shut up/ shut your gob”). At the Cunt Oscars recently the winners for this one were:
A). Day of the Dead (1985)- Bit where the zombies descend on the elevator and one falls off. Uber cunt said “Is that the helicopter pilot? You know…the black bloke”.
B). Star Wars: A New Hope: Bit where Darth Vader strangles Captain Antilles. Cunt asked “Is he a goody or a baddy?”
C). Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior- Mel Gibson is in the Australian desert. Commissioner Cunt says “Don’t you think he’ll be hot in all that leather?”

10. Talk
Even a full time cunt needs to wind down occasionally and what better way to do that than by having a nice chat. If points 1 to 9 appear too daunting or you’re just too tired to invoke them then try to disrupt the telly for everyone else by talking loudly. Either to someone who is also not watching the telly (preferably another cunt) or try and spark up a conversation with one of the viewers. For best cunt effect try and do this when they are watching something you know they’ve waited a very long time to see and/ or it’s their favourite show. If anyone should be so rude as to “shush!” you then you will continue talking, but crank up the volume each time you are either shushed or ignored.

So there you have it….10 tactics on how to be a big, fat enormous cunt while watching TV.

And don’t forget, if anyone tries any of these tactics on you, you won’t stand for it.